


What A State I'm In

by powerspring



Series: A Rush of Blood to the Head [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-05
Updated: 2017-10-05
Packaged: 2018-12-26 11:44:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12058302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/powerspring/pseuds/powerspring
Summary: Magnus realises the full weight of what Alec has come to mean to him.





	What A State I'm In

**Author's Note:**

> A few things:  
> I'm almost certain Coldplay's second album was secretly written for Malec.  
> Canon compliant (at least it makes sense to me).  
> Title of the series is taken from afore-mentioned album, as there a few more songs that summon up ideas for me.  
> Apologies for continuing to beat the long dead 2x20 horse.  
> Hope you enjoy!

_A warning sign_ __  
_I missed the good part, then I realised_ __  
_I started looking and the bubble burst_ __  
_I started looking for excuses_ __  
_Come on in_ __  
_I've gotta tell you what a state I'm in_ __  
_I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones_ __  
_That I started looking for a warning sign_ __  
__  
_When the truth is, I miss you_ __  
_Yeah the truth is, that I miss you so_ __  
__  
_A warning sign_ __  
_It came back to haunt me, and I realised_ __  
_That you were an island and I passed you by_ __  
_And you were an island to discover_ __  
__  
_Come on in_ __  
_I've gotta tell you what a state I'm in_ __  
_I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones_ __  
_That I started looking for a warning sign_ __  
__  
_When the truth is, I miss you_ __  
_Yeah the truth is, that I miss you so_ __  
_And I'm tired, I should not have let you go_ __  
_So I crawl back into your open arms_ __  
_Yes I crawl back into your open arms_ __  
_And I crawl back into your open arms_   
Yes I crawl back into your open arms

 

_\- Coldplay, ‘Warning Sign’_

  
  
  


 

 

 

 

 

The door shut with a resounding click.

It felt like a slap in the face. Alec whirled away from the door and then stopped still. He felt so incredibly torn; there was a sort of physical current pushing him away from Magnus, away from the hurt and betrayal and back to his family and his duty. And yet there was an equally strong one pulling him right back to Magnus’ door, towards the sound of his voice and the curve of his lips, towards the person who made any room feel like home to Alec as soon as he was in it. It was a mental dichotomy of the worst kind, and Alec felt the frustration building inside him like molten rock rising towards the surface. The image of Magnus refusing to meet his eyes played across his vision, and Alec’s self control finally snapped.

 

“For _fuck’s sake!”_

 

He propelled himself forward in the same moment and slammed his fist into the opposing door, putting all of his anger behind his swing. The wood crunched and cracked under his knuckles, giving way as easily as if he was punching through paper, and he was left with a hand shaped hole in the smooth black door. Alec felt the anger subsiding as quickly as it had appeared, and he suddenly felt chagrined and rather foolish. He couldn’t remember another time when he had let his anger and his strength get so out of hand. Keeping a cap on his emotions was his specialty; it seemed to be that only Magnus was capable of eliciting these outbursts from him. He sighed tiredly and slumped forward until his head rested against the door. Through the gap he had left in the door he saw a dirty paint sheet covering the floor and dust mites drifting lazily through the air. Clearly, Magnus hadn’t wanted neighbours, or else the neighbours hadn’t wanted Magnus. Alec felt his fist start to throb painfully as the spike of adrenaline faded.

Under his breath he whispered softly again.

“For fuck’s _sake.”_

  
  
  


When Magnus shut the door on Alec’s face, it was like pulling a curtain over the sun. The loft felt darker and colder as he let the facade of indifference slip from his face. Magnus had no idea what he was supposed to do. He hated every second of his interactions with Alec lately, doing his best to avoid his gaze because he knew exactly what Alec’s eyes could do to him. He felt something akin to the weight of the world settle on his shoulders, and he slumped with his back against the front door with a dramatic groan. This was far too hard.  Every instinct in his body was telling him he was wrong. His heart ached to be with Alec, and he couldn’t help but feel like he was making a monumental mistake in letting the Shadowhunter walk away right now. He fiddled anxiously with the rings on his left hand as he deliberated. He was just resolving to tear himself away from the door and pour a few successive whiskey doubles when he heard Alec voice raised in anger.

“For _fucks sake_!”

Magnus whirled in alarm when the shout was followed by a sharp thud. His hand rested tentatively on the door handle and he trained his hearing to try and pick up any sound from outside. He barely heard Alec’s repeated curse, but the pain in his voice was clear enough. Magnus felt the last of his resolve flee his body, and he opened the door noiselessly to see Alec’s tall frame slumped face first against the opposing door. He was clenching his right fist, and from where Magnus was standing he could see the skin turning white where Alec’s nails digged into his palm. The shadowhunters shoulders were trembling.

“Alec,” Magnus said softly, more a plea than anything else.

Alec’s shoulders jumped and he whirled around in shock. Magnus watched as the emotions chased each other across Alec’s face: embarrassment, shame, anger, desire, longing, before his features finally settled into an expression of pain. He looked like he could cry. Magnus stared a moment longer into his doe eyes before whittling out a sigh of resignation.

“Come in?”

Alec’s lips parted in shock. It was evident that those were the last words he was expecting to hear. Magnus twisted the silver ring, the one with an ‘M’ carved into the surface, around his finger nervously before taking a step back and away from the door.

“Please, Alexander. Come in.”

 

Alec succumbed helplessly, as he always did with Magnus. He felt himself being pulled into the loft by forces unknown, as if the warlock was puppeteering him, manipulating him with strings and pulleys until he stood just inside the door. Breathless, he waited, standing stock still beside Magnus until the man turned to look at him briefly and then walked further into the loft. Alec paused for a moment more before shutting the door softly behind him and following Magnus in, his brow furrowed in trepidation and anticipation. Magnus reached the center of his living room and turned on a heel, wringing his hands together and flitting his gaze up to Alec’s eyes. Alec stood in front of him, the space between them feeling like miles, his mouth closed tight in a decisive line. Despite the guilt he felt, despite the aching need to be back in Magnus arms and despite the bud of hope blossoming in his chest, Alec was still, for the most part, pissed. Magnus had been shutting him out, silencing him, ignoring him, in the exact manner for which he had once chastised Alec. So he folded his arms decidedly, and waited in the tense silence for Magnus to speak.

 

Magnus could almost see the walls going up around Alec as the shadowhunter crossed his arms, his face impassive and cold. The warlock had his own anger, his own reasons, his own hurt, but despite it all he still couldn’t bear to do nothing as Alec drifted further away from him. Ragnor may have been arrogant, pretentious and patronizing, but he was also undoubtedly correct in his advice. Magnus couldn’t afford to let Alec slip away completely. The space in his heart that Alec filled was already too large; if Alec was gone, Magnus had no doubt that he would fall apart. The realization shook him to his core. With a hint of desperation no doubt showing on his face, he walked until he stood right in front of Alec, tilting his head up so he could see Alec’s eyes.

“I don’t know what to do,” Magnus whispered, and for the first time in the past few days, he shocked himself by being completely honest. He watched as Alec’s expression flickered and cracks appeared in his carefully controlled facade.

“I’m just… so tired, of this, of it all,” he admitted, his second confession. Magnus felt the fear rising as Alec remained tense and silent, giving nothing more away. Please, don’t let it be too late. Magnus didn’t know how much more he could give right now. He tried one more time, words and phrases swirling in his head as he struggled for the right thing to say, the thing that would fix this all.

“I miss you,” was what came out. Magnus flicked his eyes downwards and held his breath.

Alec let out a long, pent up sigh, and his arms finally relaxed. They hung limp at his sides for a moment, then Magnus felt the lightest brushing contact against his hip. Unable to stop himself, he crashed into Alec’s chest and wrapped his arms around his waist, relief bubbling in his throat as he felt Alec wind his arms around Magnus’ back and grip him tight. They clung to each other like rocks in a storm for a long moment in which time seemed to halt. Alec breathed in the sandalwood scent clinging to Magnus' hair and Magnus basked in the warmth of the shadowhunter's embrace, ignoring the faint smell of ichor on his clothes. The seconds stretched into hours, days, years; neither cared about anything outside of this embrace, this life affirming feeling of coming home to the others arms. 

Despite Magnus' claim to age and wisdom, it was Alec, of course, who pulled away first. Forever a slave to his duty. A shadow of a sad smile ghosted across Magnus' face.

"I'm sorry -," he began, but Alec cut him off. 

"Don't be." The pain was gone from his face; now he just looked resigned.

'I'm still mad at you," Magnus said, hating how petulant the words sounded.

Alec looked neither surprised nor angry.

"So am I," he said simply.

Magnus scoffed lightly, then looked up at Alec with a softened expression.

"I'm still in love with you, too," he said quietly.

Alec just looked back at him, in a way that made Magnus feel like a bird with a broken wing; vulnerable, helpless and dependent.

"I know," Alec replied softly, after what felt like decades. "I love you too."

He took a step back, towards the door, and in that action Magnus felt the unspoken agreement - I still love you, I still miss you, we will figure this out, we will talk, but  _later._

Alec offered his hand to the warlock, and after a pause, Magnus took it.

"Right. Now we have a war to fight."


End file.
